Personal Change Project

The purpose of the personal change project was to encourage me to be responsible for changing aspects of my behavior; whether it was the way I thought, felt, or acted. As I went through the list of possible ideas, it hit me that I should work on my relationship with my husband. Of course, the idea came very easily after an argument I had with my husband.

The first report addressed my major concerns, or reasons, for being interested in changing my behavior for this project. I wrote: my husband pointed out the other day that I do not respect him. I know that I love him, but I am unsure if I show him respect. I want to monitor my behaviors to determine if I show him respect or not. I feel that I do sometimes, but not other times and I am not sure why (what the reasons are behind my behavior). I know that on occasion I might correct an idea that he has because it is not efficient or as efficient as what I would do. At the same time, I know that he does not always express his feelings in regards to certain matters.

            For the next several weeks, I kept a weekly summary of my progress or lack of progress. I would ask myself probing questions into my behavior: what am I doing, why am I doing it, how can I make things better, what is the underlining issue, etc. There was one point in time where I found myself not speaking at all to my husband, because no matter what I was doing, or how I did it, there was a problem. Perhaps, I needed to be silent and think about the situation.

            I decided to print out a copy of every summary, so that I could give it to my husband for his review. He made the following comments:

• On February 11^th, I wrote “I was fifty percent successful. I did not remind my husband what he was supposed to do during the week. However, he went through the whole week forgetting what it was he was supposed to do.” He wrote, “I do get a little annoyed when there is a list of things to do; however, I see how helpful it can be and since I forget a lot a list might be necessary at times.
• “On February 11^th, I wrote “On Wednesday night, he informed me he had several homework assignments do and needed my help. I helped. I will not do the work for him, but I do not ask questions that will draw the answers out. He asked question b, and without thinking I said, “Oh, the answer is XYZ.” I felt bad afterwards because I know he will not learn and he will feel he can always come to me for help. He wrote, “I do try hard to do things on my own, but I recognize that I turn to you for help, because I trust your advice and I know you will not steer me wrong.” He added another comment on the bottom of the summary, “My wife is important to me, and my kids are as well. I try to make good decisions, but I know I fail, but not for lack of trying.”
• On February 17^th, I wrote “I did very well until tonight. He sat at the dinner table going through all of his work and was complaining about every assignment. This instructor is an idiot, why do they assign this for homework. That instructor… and so on so forth. I did not yell at him, but my tone was snappy. He is not working. He is waiting to do his homework, and he is staying in bed until it’s time to go to school. He wants to show his friends he has materials and wealth when in reality we are just getting by. I feel he is getting depressed and needs to speak to someone. He wrote “not working does bother me. What bothers me most is the life change – the work I’ve done for what feels like my entire career is over. I know or think going to school to school will help, but that’s not tangible for me.” 

 

I understand that my husband has been under a lot of stress. It is hard to not have any work, and then to make the decision to go back to school. He feels lost and does not know what to do, but in the end, he is attacking those closest to him. I have tried to work on my relationship with my husband by showing him respect; however, I don’t think the underlining cause of the problem is me.

I have decided to continue with the personal change, but to change the goal. I understand that the project is over, but I liked the experience. I think it is good to reflect on one’s thoughts, and behaviors. So, I thought about the process, and realized that I could use some help with my exercise program. I have been sporadic and could use specific goals to help me succeed. I started a chart with information pertaining to my exercise regimen. I set goals that I would like to attain, along with rewards for attaining those goals. This change process was a learning experience. I know that I cannot change another individual. I am only responsible for my actions.

Helping Hands

            It was September 2007, when I entered NAMI: CV (National Alliance on Mental Illness, Champlain Valley) for the first time. I had been in counseling for about three months. My anxiety attacks were extremely bad, and I made them worse by feeding them with negative thoughts (what if’s, should have’s, could have’s, etc) and behaviors (fleeing at the start of an anxiety attach). I was terrified as I walked through the doors, but I was kindly greeted by an older woman. Little did I know that this was going to be the beginning of a new life for me. I was encouraged at NAMI to talk during the groups, then to lead the groups (volunteer as a facilitator), to go back to school, and finally I was sent to training to do “In Our Own Voice Presentations.” So, when it came time to pick a place to volunteer,  for college, it was easy –I picked NAMI: CV.

            First I asked the Executive Director of NAMI: CV if there was any work I could volunteer to do. She was happy to have me offer volunteer to help. The fact that I was going to do any job that she wanted, or needed, done was even better. Because a few employees had started to work on the library and found it overwhelming, she asked me if I would mind doing it. Of course, I said, “I would be happy too.” The lending library is important, because provides the public an opportunity to borrow books on different mental health illnesses. They also have a few true stories that encourage people with a mental illness to stay well through the WRAP program (Wellness, Recovery, and Action Program). However, the books were unorganized and they had no database to keep track of them. It was my job to organize the books, and enter them into a database.

             I borrowed a flash drive from NAMI: CV to enter the information on. I created a database and started to enter in the information from the books. I typed into the database the author, the title of the book, number of copies of the book, and the category where the book could be found. As I entered in the information, I placed the books back on the shelf. Since the books were not in order, I had to place them on the shelves based on category (fiction, self-help, child, medical, spiritual, specific disorders, etc). I tried to save the database after every 15-20 books, so that if there was a problem with my laptop I would not lose the information I had typed in. I would also organize the database prior to saving it, so that it alphabetized the books. By the end of the first day, I had entered, into the database, over two hundred books. 

            I spent two days at NAMI: CV; however, they were not consecutive days. I worked five hours each day. The days were long, because I spent the majority of the time typing. I wish I was a faster typist, and I did not have to look at the keyboard so much. It probably would have helped things to move along faster.

 

In the end, NAMI: CV got a job done that no one really wanted to do. The book shelves looked

organized, and they are able to check what books they have by opening the library database. I

enjoyed volunteering at NAMI: CV, and I’m glad I was able to lend a helping hand

The Storm vs A Rose for Emily

           The main character in “The Storm” is Calixta. Author Kate Chopin describes Calixta as being “… a little fuller of figure than five years before when she married; her blue eyes still retained their melting quality; and her yellow hair…” (Chopin 109). While she is now a mother, it appears that she is still very beautiful. On the other hand, Faulkner describes the main character in “A Rose for Emily” as, “Miss Emily a slender figure in white…” when she is young, and “… a small, fat woman in black…” (Faulkner 30, 32) when she was older. While the main characters of the two short stories are not similar in appearance they are similar because they both commit crimes of passion.   

In the stories, “The Storm” and “A Rose for Emily” the two protagonists, main characters, are women who have committed a crime of passion. This was not acceptable behavior at the time. Calixta is married, with a child, and has an affair with Alcee. Calixta is forced to stay in the house with Alcee, her lover, because of the rainstorm while Babinot and Bibi are stuck at the store. During the storm, Calixta becomes frightened; it is at this time that Alcee takes it upon himself to comfort her. “She would not compose herself…Alcee clasped her shoulders…” (Chopin 110).They used to be old lovers and this reunion brings back memories. “The contact of her warm, palpitating body…had aroused all the old-time infatuation and desire for her flesh” (Chopin 110). This fateful moment triggers their strong desires for one another, again. One thing led to another and they both satisfied their fleshly desires. The storm ends as did their interlude. “He stayed cushioned upon her, breathless,...” (Chopin 110).

Although Emily was not married, she was involved with Homer. “Presently we began to see him and Miss Emily on Sunday afternoons driving in the yellow-wheeled buggy…” (Chopin 32). “A Rose for Emily” does not state that Emily and Homer were sexually involved. At the same time, it does not state that they were not sexually involved. Regardless, of what happened between them something made Emily mentally break down, so that she killed Homer. “I want some poison,” said Miss Emily (Faulkner 33), as the story comes to its climax it is learned that Homers dead body is in a room upstairs. While the body is decomposing in the room Emily was sleeping next to it. This can be seen when the townspeople notice the, “…second pillow was the indentation of a head… we saw a long strand of iron-gray hair.”(Faulkner 35). Emily’s crime of passion was murder. Her love for Homer, and the idea that he was going to leave her, causes her to have a mental break down.

Neither woman was remorseful, or apologetic, for her behaviors. Calixta appeared amused by what she had done, “ …she lifted up her pretty chin in the air and laughed aloud,” stated Chopin (Chopin 111). Emily’s behavior, of lying next to a dead man, suggests that she is not remorseful. “The man himself lay in the bed….What was left of him, rotted …” (Faulkner 35). They both appeared to have strong natures when it came to what they wanted, one could even say that they were selfish. This is seen in the acts that they commit. Whether a marriage is a happy one or not it is still a commitment that should be honored. Even though times have changed, and divorce is acceptable, having an affair is unacceptable. To violate that commitment for fleshly desires is selfish, in that, the feelings and consequences to the spouse are not being taken into consideration. The people during the time period of Calixta’s affair would not have tolerated her indiscretion. To kill a person because they do not want to be with you is selfish. How can Emily’s life be worth more than Homers? If her life was that bad and she needed a way out why not end her own life?

Neither of the characters seems to hold a job outside of the home. However, this is a reflection on the women, as it is a sign of the times when the stories were written. It does appear that the women were raised differently when it came to association. Calixta met Alcee five years earlier at a social gathering. After their meeting, she marries to Bobinot. Chopin portrayed Calixta as being personable, friendly, and approachable.  Whereas “None of the young men were quite good enough for Miss Emily and such”, (Chopin 32) she was never married. The feeling portrayed by Faulkner, of Emily, was that she was reclusive, had no friends, and is resistant to change.  

Is there a lesson to be learned from these stories? Are they accurate portraits into the way humans are behaving? Obviously, there are some aspects of truth in these two stories. Consider the stories to be an awareness into the human soul. It shows that all of us have the ability to commit a crime of passion.

 

Works Cited

Chopin, Kate. “The Storm.” Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, Drama, and Writing. 6^th Compact ed. Ed. X. J. Kennedy, and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2010. 108-111. Print.

Faulkner, William. “A Rose for Emily.” Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, Drama, and Writing. 6^th Compact ed. Ed. X. J. Kennedy, and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2010. 29-35. Print.

Modernized Oedipus the King

Oedipus the King is a famous Greek Tragedy. It was written in 425 B.C. (approximate time) by Sophocles. Things have changed a lot since Oedipus the King was performed in the theatre. First, there are no longer amphitheaters. Second, the original theater production of Oedipus the King allowed the viewer to imagine Jocasta hanging herself, and King Oedipus gouging out his eyes; however, dramas today are performed in such a way that less and less is left to the imagination. Another difference is that women are allowed to play in productions today, whereas in 425 B.C. only men were allowed in theatre. Finally, the beliefs in mythological gods are less common today than in the past. However, there are some things that have not changed. People are still interested in tragedy, comedy, heroes, and villains. While Oedipus the King was written at a time when the citizens of Athens believed in oracles and Greek gods, the story can be modernized so that the people of today will relate to the story.

            It is important to look at the facts of the story and to make modern changes without changing the meaning of the story. Laius and Jocasta are prominent people; the King and Queen of Thebes. The fact that they have power and wealth is important. Therefore, in the updated version of the play they need to be in a position that has wealth and power. People are still interested in finding out about their future; however, they no longer go to Oracles for this information. Instead they go to soothsayers; a psychic that can make a prediction about a person’s future. Today, Greek mythology is no longer practiced. This does not mean that people do not believe in a god, or many gods, because they do they just no longer believe in Greek Gods. No masks would be used in the updated play. When the play was written, actors used masks, so that the people could see (by the mask) who was on stage and so they could hear what was being said. I understand the value of using masks; however, no masks will be used at this time. I have also changed Oedipus’s name to Edward (nick name Eddy). The chorus is going to be the dreams that the character’s experience.

            The play would start off with Laius getting engaged. He is a promising senator, and she is a woman of substantial means. From the moment he became engaged his bad dreams started, as if he is being haunted about his future.  Night after night it would be the same dream. Nothing calms his nightmares until he goes to see a soothsayer. She expresses her concern about him having children. If he is to have any children it would mean his death and eventually the death of his future wife. Laius speaks to Jocasta about them not bearing any children. He does not tell her why because he did not want her to think he was crazy. However, after some time passes by Jocasta starts to have nightmares. She imagines that her husband is killed and she marries the killer. Laius knows that something is wrong, but Jocasta continues to tell him that it is nothing – just a bad dream. Then, Jocasta finds out that she is pregnant. She informs Laius of the news. He is struck with fear. He asks her if her dreams had anything to do with him dying. She hesitates and he knows what is wrong. He explains to her what the soothsayer warned him about. While she does not want to believe in this – this nonsense- she is struck with fear. Throughout the pregnancy the dreams continue, and they are not sure what they are going to do when the baby is born so they decide not to tell anyone about the pregnancy.

            Jocasta is tired and worn out by the time the baby is born. She is scared of the baby and takes him down to the dumpster, outside of their New York City apartment. She throws the baby into the dumpster. Later that day it is all over the news; a baby outfit is found with blood on it, but no baby is found.  This scene is comparable to what the audience would have known prior to seeing Oedipus the King. The scene will jump to 17 years later.

While out on the town, Eddy sees a sign for a soothsayer. His friends encourage him to go in. He jokes about having everything and not needing to go in. one of his friends is upset with him, and jealous of him. So, he expresses that maybe Eddy should ask about his real parents because he overhears their parents talking about him being adopted. This makes Eddy angry and he walks away from his friends. He enters into a tavern and starts to drink. After several drinks he decides to go confront his parents. He gets in his vehicle and starts to head towards their home. There is a loud crash. Eddy is covered in blood. He was in a car accident. He immediately knew he is in trouble. He had been driving intoxicated. Impulsively he flees the scene of the crime. He starts to mumble to himself in regards to what he has done. He killed all of those innocent people, in the car. He begins to be haunted by nightmares and as such forgets to confront his parents about being adopted.

The dreams are always the same, and nothing gives him relief from them. He remembers the soothsayer and decides he is going to find out what he needs to do to stop the dreams. The soothsayer asks him what it is he wants to know. Eddy does not tell her about the car accident, because he is afraid, but he does tell her about his dreams. She explains that his life appears to full of turmoil. He will be held responsible for the death of his father, and that he will marry his mother and have children with her. Eddy does not believe anything the old woman says because things like that do not happen. Eddy decides that he needs a change of scenery and leaves his parents.

Eddy has always been interested in politics and decides that he wants to run for Senator. While at a fund raising event, he meets Jocasta. She is beautiful and full of life. He finds out that she is a widow and pursues her. Everything starts to turn around for Edward. He becomes the Senator, and he marries Jocasta. They are happy and she bears him four children. After the birth of the last child, problems start to arise. The children are tormented by nightmares. Only they cannot remember what the dreams were about in the morning. Edward and Jocasta take the children to doctors, and seek alternate treatment for them with no success. One of their friends tells them that they went to a soothsayer in the city, and that she informed them that the problem lied in Laius death. If they investigated their past they would find the answer.

 Jocasta and Edward start to talk about Laius death, as Jocast explains how Laius dies Edward is paralyzed. He cannot move out of fear. He asks her what her husband look like. This part will be like scene II, line 180 of Oedipus the King. He tells Jocast something he has never told anyone before – that he was in an accident- like the one she describes and he kills the people. Jocast comforts her husband and informs him that everyone did not die in the car accident with her husband. His secretary is alive. Edward asks to meet her because he knew she would recognize him if he was the one. Jocasta calls up the secretary and asks her to come over.

As the characters reunit there is a realization that the events of that day are very familiar, so familiar that the evidence suggest that Edward was the one who killed Laius. This wpart would be likened to scene II, line 240 -290 of Oedipus the King No one can deny the similarities, but no one wants to say that Edward is guilty. Edward becomes irritated and cannot hold back his temper. It is as if edward wants someone to tell him that he is the guilty party. As things start to become very creepy, a friend of Edwards’s parents arrives. Matthew informs Edward that his father is dead, and that his mother is ill. He pleads with edward to come home. His father wanted him to take over the business if anything were to happen to him. Edward is aware that Matthew has been a family friend for a long time, so he starts to question him about his parents. He asks if he was an adopted child. To Edward’s surprise Matthew tells him that he was adopted. Matthew explains that he brought Edward to his parents. A woman had given Edward to him when he was a baby. Edward invites Matthew in. When Matthew enters the room he points to the secretary, she can answer all of your questions she gave me the baby.

The ending of the story can follow scene IV line 69 down. Jocast will hang herself, and Edward will gouge out his eyes. Only he will not be tossed out of the land. He will leave the land, and everything he has behind. The paparazzi will find out about the events that have unfolded and there will be talk about Edward and his life. He will be removed as senator and people will look at him with disgust.

Oedipus the King moved the audience because tragic heroes are hard to ignore. If the story was rewritten using terminology of today and changing a few of the ways the story unfolds, it will also be successful because people are intrigued by suffering, and pain. While they might not relate with Edwards character fully, they will relate to the ups and downs of his decisions. His character versus fate; by trying to advert the information provided by the soothsayer the character’s inadvertently placed themselves in a position to fulfill the soothsayer predications.  

Summoning Courage

Richard Back once said, “The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy,” but if we cannot love ourselves, then how can we love?

You asked me a direct question and I avoided answering it; not because I didn’t know the answer, but because I didn’t want to see the pain deepen in your eyes. Last night was a “defining moment”- Know that I see your pain; know that I hear your pain.

You live in between death and living; to die means feeling no pain, and you are not there because of the ‘feelings’ you crave, but to live means living with pain! Helen Keller was trapped, but she knew all about feelings when she said, ‘Once I knew of only darkness and stillness… my life was without past or future… but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.’

Perhaps, it’s time to summon courage: to learn to love yourself, and to live life to the fullest. Acknowledge the past that has trapped you, and let it go. Push yourself to set goals: stepping outside of the safety zone that you have created around you, because it is smoldering your life.