Personal Change Project

The purpose of the personal change project was to encourage me to be responsible for changing aspects of my behavior; whether it was the way I thought, felt, or acted. As I went through the list of possible ideas, it hit me that I should work on my relationship with my husband. Of course, the idea came very easily after an argument I had with my husband.

The first report addressed my major concerns, or reasons, for being interested in changing my behavior for this project. I wrote: my husband pointed out the other day that I do not respect him. I know that I love him, but I am unsure if I show him respect. I want to monitor my behaviors to determine if I show him respect or not. I feel that I do sometimes, but not other times and I am not sure why (what the reasons are behind my behavior). I know that on occasion I might correct an idea that he has because it is not efficient or as efficient as what I would do. At the same time, I know that he does not always express his feelings in regards to certain matters.

            For the next several weeks, I kept a weekly summary of my progress or lack of progress. I would ask myself probing questions into my behavior: what am I doing, why am I doing it, how can I make things better, what is the underlining issue, etc. There was one point in time where I found myself not speaking at all to my husband, because no matter what I was doing, or how I did it, there was a problem. Perhaps, I needed to be silent and think about the situation.

            I decided to print out a copy of every summary, so that I could give it to my husband for his review. He made the following comments:

• On February 11^th, I wrote “I was fifty percent successful. I did not remind my husband what he was supposed to do during the week. However, he went through the whole week forgetting what it was he was supposed to do.” He wrote, “I do get a little annoyed when there is a list of things to do; however, I see how helpful it can be and since I forget a lot a list might be necessary at times.
• “On February 11^th, I wrote “On Wednesday night, he informed me he had several homework assignments do and needed my help. I helped. I will not do the work for him, but I do not ask questions that will draw the answers out. He asked question b, and without thinking I said, “Oh, the answer is XYZ.” I felt bad afterwards because I know he will not learn and he will feel he can always come to me for help. He wrote, “I do try hard to do things on my own, but I recognize that I turn to you for help, because I trust your advice and I know you will not steer me wrong.” He added another comment on the bottom of the summary, “My wife is important to me, and my kids are as well. I try to make good decisions, but I know I fail, but not for lack of trying.”
• On February 17^th, I wrote “I did very well until tonight. He sat at the dinner table going through all of his work and was complaining about every assignment. This instructor is an idiot, why do they assign this for homework. That instructor… and so on so forth. I did not yell at him, but my tone was snappy. He is not working. He is waiting to do his homework, and he is staying in bed until it’s time to go to school. He wants to show his friends he has materials and wealth when in reality we are just getting by. I feel he is getting depressed and needs to speak to someone. He wrote “not working does bother me. What bothers me most is the life change – the work I’ve done for what feels like my entire career is over. I know or think going to school to school will help, but that’s not tangible for me.” 

 

I understand that my husband has been under a lot of stress. It is hard to not have any work, and then to make the decision to go back to school. He feels lost and does not know what to do, but in the end, he is attacking those closest to him. I have tried to work on my relationship with my husband by showing him respect; however, I don’t think the underlining cause of the problem is me.

I have decided to continue with the personal change, but to change the goal. I understand that the project is over, but I liked the experience. I think it is good to reflect on one’s thoughts, and behaviors. So, I thought about the process, and realized that I could use some help with my exercise program. I have been sporadic and could use specific goals to help me succeed. I started a chart with information pertaining to my exercise regimen. I set goals that I would like to attain, along with rewards for attaining those goals. This change process was a learning experience. I know that I cannot change another individual. I am only responsible for my actions.